


Blue Like Misery

by negickapologist (neganstonguething)



Series: Colors [2]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angry Negan, Bad Ending, Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending, shit hits the fan here guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 07:24:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11618781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neganstonguething/pseuds/negickapologist
Summary: This is the story of how Negan gave up on humanity.Alternate Ending to my entry to day 4 - Death - of Regan Week on Tumblr.





	Blue Like Misery

**Author's Note:**

> So, there's a discord group where all of us Regan fans gather and talk about our ship, and during discussion of our contributions to Regan Week, this idea was brought up. Two of the members on there were theorizing what was going to happen in my fic, and it was just so brilliant that I couldn't not involve it somehow.
> 
> When we discussed it, it was quite hilarious.
> 
> When I wrote it, it was not.
> 
> So here you have it--an alternate ending in which Rick dies.

When he returns to Alexandria, Negan is consumed by fury and hatred. He’s got his own vehicle, but there are at least a dozen trucks lined up behind him, loaded to the nines with armed Saviors. He makes an abrupt stop at the gate and wrenches the driver’s side door open. The point when he’d exited the truck and when he’d marched up to the gate is a blur, but Negan doesn’t care. He raises his trusty baseball bat to the metal and swings hard enough to make a sound that will likely draw more than just the attention of the residents within the walls.

“Alright, fuckers!” Negan roars, his voice heavy and gravely with fury…with anguish. “Open up! I _won’t_ fucking ask twice!”

It takes a few moments, but the gate does indeed start moving.  Behind Negan, his men are pouring out of their vehicles, weapons ready. The rattling and wailing of the metal plays the symphony of Negan’s despair, and while he should be seeing red, the only thing in his vision is swirling blue. Different shades—like the blue in Rick’s eyes, or that bluish-gray button-up he always wore. The tumultuous blue ocean in his voice, the blue in his lips as he’d collapsed.

Negan feels cold and numb and at the same time overwhelmed with rage. He feels betrayed by the very people he had come to trust.

This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This is a reminder of how cold the world really is, and how people will _never_ change.

This is the story of how Negan gave up on humanity.

**\--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---**

Negan hadn’t planned on ever getting himself deeply emotionally invested in anyone ever again. After Lucille, he’d considered himself done. Yeah, he would take on plenty of wives, and he’d proceed to start up arguably one of the biggest communities following the end of the world. But being in control of people and loving them were two totally different things.

Yeah, Negan cared. He had to. There was no way he could lead something as big as the Sanctuary without a little caring. He loved his wives, but differently than he’d loved Lucille. He loved them in a way that he appreciated their presences, and would make sure they were safe. His heart, however, wasn’t dedicated to them. He cared for his Saviors, but probably not as much as he should have.

It was just too damaging to invest in full-on relationships anymore. How losing Lucille hadn’t killed Negan, he would never know. But he wasn’t about to go into something like that ever again. Especially not today, when life was even more fleeting than it had been before. Cancer wasn’t the only enemy.

And Negan had done well to abide by that mentality. He’d done whatever it took to get himself a community up and running, and while he’d made friends, he’d always been sure to keep them at arms’ length. Simon and Dwight were his best guys, but he knew full well in the back of his mind that he could afford to lose them.

He didn’t bother being the nice guy. He did whatever it took to keep his place up and running, and if that meant taking from everyone else, then fine. That was just the way the cookie crumbled. And take was exactly what he did.

It’d been no problem, really. It was a matter of making sure that the community he was taking from knew exactly where they stood—which was beneath the soles of Negan’s boots. They were to obey, or they would all die. It was that fucking simple.

And obey, they did. They pissed and moaned and complained about it all the goddamned time, but they did it nonetheless.

It had all been running smoothly as the chocolate drizzled on a candy bar in television commercials, up until Alexandria came along. In all honesty, Negan hadn’t even known that such a community had existed—not until said community decided to, for seemingly no reason, murder an entire outpost of his men. In their fucking sleep. Even by Negan’s standards, that had been a low blow.

Never in Negan’s wildest dreams would he have ever imagined that seeking out to put those people in their place and earn himself a new source of income would lead up to how things were now. Never would he have thought that the man who had sat and glared up at him through teary eyes would have become the second love of his life.

But Rick Grimes was special. Strong-willed, resilient, intelligent, pretty. Everything from the way he walked to the curls atop his head was gorgeous, and even though he looked like he belonged on the damned cover of a magazine, his image was of power, too. He had been a fun project for Negan to try and subjugate—an interesting fantasy. Even with Alexandria and its people under Negan’s control, Rick had still chosen to look at him icily, his death threat silently emanating from him with every step he took in Negan’s presence.

Negan had started out wanting to break that down. He’d been every bit the piece of trash he knew he was, pushing and pushing and nagging to try and see how much more Rick could take. And for a while, it’d visibly driven Rick insane. He’d seen tears in those baby blues on more than just one occasion, and he’d delighted in it.

And then one day, Rick had stopped getting upset. He’d just calmed right the fuck down and invited Negan to his house for lemonade of all fucking things. He’d sat him down and started a conversation with him. Tried to talk with him as an equal. Negan hadn’t known what to think, but like hell was he going to lose whatever this game was Rick was playing with him. So he’d played along.

As the days went by, visits seemed less and less like a game of chicken and more like Rick was trying to reach some sort of common ground with Negan. He talked about more than just relations between Alexandria and the Sanctuary, though. He talked about how Judith had handled teething during the zombie apocalypse, and how his wife would have been laughing at him with how he’d handled Carl reaching puberty. About day-to-day things.

Eventually, day-to-day things became conversations about more serious matters, all the way from the way Negan was handling the other communities to the deaths of their wives. And Negan found himself partaking easily in both forms of conversation. From time to time, their discussions would get a little heated, but they were real, and they were somehow important.

It felt strangely gratifying to talk to someone about all of this—to have a conversation without having to be the big cheese. Rick, regardless of all the times Negan had made a point to tell him he was beneath him, treated Negan like an equal. He had at some point gone from treating him like the enemy to just acting like he was any old regular joe Rick knew on the daily.

That was what had started it. It was a slippery slope from there.

In reality, Negan had been physically attracted to Rick from the very beginning. Literally from the minute he stepped out of that RV and met those misty blue eyes with his own, he’d thought about how gorgeous the man was. While talking to (or down on) Rick, Negan wondered what sex with Rick would be like. He’d contemplated on many occasions just going for it and seeing if the other man would let him, but eventually decided against it.

Until he didn’t.

Everything had been happening quickly up until that point, anyway. Rick’s friendliness had reached the point of hospitality, and Negan had brought him around with him on trips. And when Rick finally decided to break the ice by trusting him with his own people, Negan hadn’t been able to help himself.

Soon, he and Rick would be all over one another all the damned time. In cars, or closets, or Rick’s bed. In the shower, on runs…wherever, frankly. As long as Negan could push Rick up against a surface and fuck him into next week, they were going to do it.

And it was _good_.

Negan knew exactly when their physical relationship had become an emotional one, because he had instigated it. But when he’d gone from just wanting to screw the guy senseless to wanting to kiss him and hold him and get to _know_ him was beyond Negan. He hadn’t expected that to happen. Strangely, despite his insistence that he wasn’t going to get attached to anyone ever again, he liked this. He felt optimistic about it. Rick had seemed so invincible, and so goddamned perfect. So unlike those Negan had met along the way to becoming who he was nowadays. There was no way someone like him could die.

That thought fresh in his mind, he let himself love Rick. He let himself think that it was going to be alright. He memorized the smell of Rick’s hair and clothes and the taste of the man’s skin. Relished in every ounce of time he could get with the man. Went fucking _bungee jumping_ with him. And in his mind, during all of this, he was already making plans for future activities for them. It was hard to plan recreational shit during the end of the world, but damn it, Negan and Rick were going to have a good time.

He should have known that such a mentality was fragile. That even those beautiful blue eyes would eventually look at him with the same lifelessness that Lucille’s own eyes had at some point. Had he let himself figure that out sooner, maybe he would have told Rick how he’d felt. Maybe he would have memorized the sound of Rick’s voice. Or perhaps he would have just put a stop to the sorry fucks who had ended his life in the first place.

Such a shame that the fucks who’d done it had been part of Rick’s _own_ community.

Or well, one of them. But at this point, Negan didn’t give a shit.

It had been such a nice day, too. So normal and pleasant and optimistic. Negan had been ready to follow his and Rick’s usual pattern of sitting down together and shooting the breeze while they made plans for the community—while he cooperated with Rick on trade routes and new agreements and they fucking smiled and laughed and pretended the world hadn’t gone to shit around them.

He’d been ready to sweep Rick off his feet and kiss him senseless, and Rick had looked ready for it. They’d just been a few feet apart when the shot had been fired.

It had hit Rick directly in the back of the head, and even though he had crumpled to the ground immediately, Negan had seen his fall in slow motion. The way blue eyes almost instantly faded to gray, and how strength gave way to limpness. The dull thud of his now lifeless body on the concrete of the Alexandria street seemed to reverberate forever in Negan’s mind.

Rick’s fall revealed the assailant. It was a man Negan only vaguely recognized, but didn’t know by name. It wasn’t anyone in the posse of people he had cornered outside of that RV so long ago, but Negan recognized him from collections. One of the weak ones who usually just handed shit over and got out of the way before he had to deal with too much trouble. Someone Negan would have been grateful for at one point.

But right now, he just wanted to see him dead.

Negan’s gun flew out of its holster and the bullet fired right into the man’s skull without a second thought. People flooded out, hearing the shots, and gasps and screams filled the streets. Carl dropped to the ground next to his father, immediately breaking into sobs, and Michonne stood next to his body, glaring through waves of tears at Negan.

He glared right the fuck back.

“Are you fucking _shitting_ me!?” Negan roared, to no one in particular. He knew full-well that Michonne and Carl would have never done something like this, but everyone else was fair fucking game. Nevermind their horrified expressions. “He was your fucking _leader_! Do you dumbasses realize how goddamned _fucked_ you are, now!? None of you— _none_ —could hope to run this place as well as he did. You’re a bunch of piece of fucking shit fucking dumbass _idiots_.”

“Enough.” Michonne growled through a cracking voice.

“Enough?” Negan’s own voice grew hoarse. “ _Enough!?_ You’re fucking shitting me, _enough_. The best thing that ever happened to you people is dead.”

“We know that.” Carl seethed from next to his father’s corpse. “Just stop, already.”

Negan didn’t want to stop. To be honest, he wanted to plant his feet into the ground and continue to raise hell until his voice remained a permanent fixture on the foundation of this shitty ass fucking hellhole.

But instead, he went silent. Carl was Rick’s son. Michonne, his best friend. Judith must’ve been kept inside for safety. He nodded to the crying teenager next to his father.

“You, go get your sister.”

“What?” Carl glanced at Michonne, and then back to Negan. “No.”

“Don’t fuck with me right now, kid.” Negan felt sick to his stomach. “Get your sister. If you think I’m gonna hurt a toddler, you’re out of your fucking skull.”

Again, Carl and Michonne exchanged glances, before Michonne offered him a nod, and he reluctantly disappeared and went to retrieve Judith. Once he was gone, Negan softened and focused his gaze on Michonne.

“…I’m sorry.” Anguish and despair were probably something Negan, Michonne, and Rick’s children felt together. How Michonne was being so strong right now was beyond him. “I never meant for any of this to happen. I don’t know why this guy shot him, but you know I can’t leave that shit by the wayside.”

“I know.” Michonne wiped at her eyes with her forearm. “I agree. But what’re you going to do?”

Negan shrugged. “I don’t know, yet. But you guys are coming with me, just in case.”

Michonne very clearly didn’t want to go. But with Carl retrieving Judith and her suggestion that he obey already well underway, she seemed to comply. Negan, his Saviors, and the three former Alexandrians took their leave.

**\--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---**

Negan regrets not taking Rick’s body with him. He wishes he could’ve looked at that face one more time, even if it was ashen and sunken and fucking dead. But it’s too late, now. He’s got Michonne and Carl and Judith safely back at the Sanctuary, and all hell is about to break loose.

When he’d seen Rick’s body on the ground like that, Negan had known that the shit was going to fly. He hadn’t planned on being nice about getting Rick his justice even in the slightest. But even as he’d taken Michonne and the kids away, he hadn’t planned on doing what he’s about to do now.

Which is, burn the entire fucking place down. Straight to the goddamned ground.

Fuck these people. Fuck them and their weird ideology that Rick is somehow the enemy for being involved with Negan. Fuck them, because Rick saved their lives. And now, Rick is _dead._

So the very instant the gate slides open, Negan gives a nod of his head, and the shots fire. Molotovs, grenades, bullets…it’s all fair game. And while the attacks rain around him, Negan just watches. Watches, and drowns in the invisible sea of blue that is Rick’s memory clouding his vision and his lungs.

This isn’t what Rick would have wanted, but Negan doesn’t care anymore. His last favor to Rick is making sure Michonne and his children don’t suffer for it. They probably won’t stay at the Sanctuary, and that’s okay. They’re free to go. But right now, Alexandria has to pay.

The dust settles, and the shots stop for a moment, though Negan’s men do not lower their weapons. Bodies lie on the ground, some dead, some completely annihilated. Negan just fixes a steely-eyed glare down the street. Some of the residents have weapons out, and others are hiding on porches or covering loved ones with their arms. Fewer mourn the bodies on the ground.

Negan doesn’t care anymore.

He laughs bitterly, a low, growling laugh that makes his entire body feel as if it’s shaking. “You people think this is over, don’t you? You think ‘oh, fuck me, it can’t possibly get any worse’, right?”

With a cock of his head, Negan directs one of his men to throw out another grenade, igniting and spreading even more fire around the already burning Alexandria grounds.

“Wrong.” He sneers. “You’re so fucking wrong, it’s sickening.” His voice, used to projecting over large areas, booms out across the streets of the once-suburban area. “This is about Rick and I, right? About how he was with me? You people probably thought he was the enemy because he was sleeping with one.”

A stray bullet fires, lodging in the arm of one of the residents with a gun and knocking them to the ground.

“He saved your fucking _lives_. I stopped collecting from you ignoramuses because of him! We started trading because we worked _together_ on a plan to make it work. And _this_ is how you pay him back? By blowing his fucking brains out? You people are _pathetic._ ”

Someone from Alexandria tries to fire, but Dwight takes them out first. Negan keeps speaking.

“Yeah. Rick and I were together. We fucked all the time, and it was _good_. You guys took something amazing away from me, and now, it’s time to pay it all back.” He raises a hand, holding Lucille high into the air. “For every time I fucked that sweet ass until Rick was screaming my name, I’m going to burn this place down. Which was a _lot_ , by the fucking way. So you’re just going to have to deal with being dead, now! Say ‘hi’ to Rick for me! Hope he beats the shit out of you in hell!”

The flames are hot and overpowering, even from Negan’s distance. But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything anymore.

From now on, it’s just himself and Lucille.

No more people. No more friendships, or relationships, or anything. Negan is just going to do what it takes to get by in the world, and that’s it. End of story.

He walks away from the searing remains of Alexandria with a fresh wave of anguish on his face. He makes no effort to conceal that he’s crying. It doesn’t matter anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Just knocked out all the character death I care to do for a long-ass time, lmao.


End file.
